a letter to my 17 year old self

to the girl who thought that there was no place for her in this world

i have a little black leather journal. i have had it since i was 17. it used to be my safe space for so long, a place where i would go to talk about anything and everything. over the years i found myself writing it in less, i did not need it anymore to feel safe, to feel heard. a few weeks ago i was curious and bored, so i decided to read through my old entries.

at first i laughed at my younger self— 17 year old me ranting about her high school classmates, boys i had forgotten i had even liked, anime that i would binge-watch from morning to night— until i came across entries that looked like they were written in a moment of tears, anger, and frustration.

in these entries, 17 year old me had written about how she has no hope for the future, about how she can’t imagine a world in which she is happy. she had written about how she feels unloved, about how alone she feels.

she had also said verbatim “i wish i could sleep and never wake up.”

reading those parts of my journal threw me off guard. i had no memory of ever writing those entries. in that moment, it didn’t feel like this journal ever belonged to me. the girl in these entries was holding on to so much pain and hate. i could not recognize her. but it was me.

i think had forgotten just how much 17 year old me had to carry back then.

a few weeks after i had read these entries, i went through— and continue to go through— some pretty tough shit. but ever since then all i could think about was how differently i handle what life throws at me now, at 21.

17 year old me would have had a massive crash-out. this led to me thinking about just how much i have grown since then.

so this is a letter to my 17 year old self who didn’t think it was possible:

i’m sorry. i’m sorry about how i’d forgotten just how much you went through until now. i’m sorry i act like you never existed. you’re messy and sad and vulnerable and you hate yourself and your friends and your family. you never felt understood or heard. you’d cling yourself to people that weren’t good for you— friends who would turn their back on you the first chance they get, boys who never saw you for more than your body, brief moments of youth that used to feel like it would last forever, even though you knew deep down that you’d never see these people again. somewhere along the way you lost yourself, you didn’t know who you were anymore, and you didn’t think it was possible to be found again.

but it was possible. you didn’t just survive every horrible thing life threw at you, you built something lasting out of it.

you would never believe me if i told you that right now, at 21, we’re the happiest we have ever been. we have girls that feel like family, girls you can’t imagine a world without. you’ve been to places that felt so far away back then, and made memories you’d only see in fiction, memories that feel like movies. and you’ve found a love so deep and so gentle. a love that sees all of you and chooses you every day— even the raw, messy, ugly parts.

you’re finally figuring out what you want to do in the future, where you want to go, who you want to be. your family is still a mess, maybe even more than before, but you’ve grown to see the complexity of the mess, and you’ve grown to see the love that’s always been there, underneath it all.

i still see you and feel you. you take over me when we get into silly misunderstandings with our boyfriend— i feel you fighting your way through to feel heard, to feel understood.

i see you when i look at the mirror— you used to look at yourself with so much hate. you hated the way your body looked, your face, your hair— there was always something wrong with you. i still hear you in my head when i look at myself, screaming at me telling me i’m not good enough.

but the difference is that i’ve learned to drown it out. i’ve come to terms with the fact that i’m different, i’m not someone else and i never will be, and that’s what makes me special. this part is still hard, but i’m doing it, i’m getting there.

and don’t be sad, i don’t blame you. you were stuck in a world where the only way you mattered was through how you presented yourself, through how many people liked you, that was all you knew. you were forced to lose yourself to fit in with people that were never meant for you. you just didn’t know it at the time.

but if i could tell you one thing right now, i’d tell you that life is going to continue being a bitch. but you’re going to make it. you’re going to grow into someone you never knew existed inside of you. you’re going to take all the pain you’re holding in right now, and turn it in to something beautiful.

you’re going to be something beautiful.

you’re going to turn into someone who is not only surrounded by love, but someone who has so much love to give in return. and this time she won’t lose herself in the process. in fact, she’s going to continue finding herself and growing every day. the people in her life are going to show her the beauty of this world, the world you thought was always against you.

you never ruined me, you’re the reason why i am who i am today. and you don’t know it now, but soon you’re going to live the life you thought was never going to happen. i’m sorry it took me this long. i love you.